


La douleur exquise

by flyingisabetterwordforfalling (FlyingFalling)



Category: Burnt (2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Canon Gay Character, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Memories, Mild Language, Past Relationship(s), Possibly Unrequited Love, Sharing a Bed, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 17:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyingFalling/pseuds/flyingisabetterwordforfalling
Summary: "La douleur exquise: the exquisite pain of wanting someone that you know you can never have, and knowing that you will still try to be with them."





	La douleur exquise

Nothing had ever been easy between the two of them, and it probably never would. For so long Tony had been slightly proud of having mastered his emotions, had been proud of being able to conceal them behind an almost perfect seeming façade of indifference and strict professionalism.  
  
No other person had been able to tear down the layers he had mastered to shield himself with quite like one of the most amazing and talented chefs he had ever seen. One of the best he had ever been close to if he was completely honest. But honesty in connection with said person had never been one of his strong points.

 

Now he did not even consider thinking about once having been close to this complicated man who had gone berserk time and time again. The very man who had gone far enough to risk and destroy people's careers. More often than not their work area as well when Adam had gotten one of his infamous tantrums. The behaviour of a little boy, not one of the grown man he was supposed to be, or rather, the man he had years ago been supposed to become.

That very man was still haunting Tony's dreams from time to time, both of them, the one he had been and the one he could have been. Could have been and what if, he was all too familiar with those words.  
Once, a long time ago, Tony had been willing to follow in Adam's wake despite everything he had ever done to all of them, to Tony and even to himself.  
  
Tony had been foolish then, had felt on top of the world with Adam besides him. Only then to realize that they were not quite on the same page. They had barely even been friends all these years ago,and now Tony remembers every moment he misinterpreted. After all these years, he still wants to grit his teeth whenever he thinks about how obvious and infatuated he had been back then.

Even though he had kept quiet and hidden his actual emotions away behind dry sarcasm and sharp remarks, he had always dreaded the moment when Adam would eventually find out about them and finally snap due to the unwanted affection.

It had been the sick mixture of being attracted to Adam, wishing to be loved in return and hoping he might never find out about another man being interested in him. Somehow Tony still felt foolish, even now, for thinking to have been clever and having gone unnoticed.

  
All these years ago, he had not fallen for the imperfect conflict within the man who had come back just months ago, as if to haunt him. Instead he had fallen for the vulnerable man behind this careful disguise of seemingly pure hatred for the whole world and pessimism as his default mood. It took a disguise to notice another.

 

Nevertheless, Tony had not been in love with him back then, not when they had first met at least. First he had observed his skills, eventually realized that Adam was more than just good in what he did, and somehow Tony had found a way to push Adam to become even better. He still did not know how he had managed to do that.  
  
Then, after weeks and months, mostly good-natured banter had grown into their very own kind of casual conversation and Tony had started to genuinely like Adam, and without as much as an advance warning, he had also started to fall for him. It had been too easy to like him, to be charmed by the sincere and heartfelt little smiles and glances when Adam had finally started opening up to Tony. After a while, they had started dancing around one another in their strange dance that had never actually ceased to exist.    
  
Even now, after years apart, Tony still felt drawn to him. Despite the disappointment, anger and faint and -as he keeps telling himself misguided- hope that he might now have changed for the better Tony cannot help but smile when Adam is close to him. Tony knew by now that he himself had been obviously oblivious to just how much it showed in his expression, his very being, just how enamoured he was by Adam. In return, Adam must have straight up ignored every little positive emotion Tony had felt for him and strangely still held onto. -Or he was just that straight and had not once even thought about the possibility that not only women might succumb to his charisma and good looks.  
  
Tony was an adult now, should behave like one and yet he could not help the warm tone in his voice whenever he addresses the irritating chef, had never been immune to his charm and smile. Especially the one that was more of a smirk than an actual smile. It used to be his trademark. All of a sudden, Tony sees the young man again, the one he once used to have a slight crush on, he listens to his voice and remembers its sound from years ago. It is almost too easy.  
  
Adam has changed, of course, so has Tony. Apparently time does not care about the little fact that he had sworn to himself to once and for all get over what he had all those years ago deemed a silly little crush. A crush on a guy who was obviously straight. Expect that Adam had never been one to actually use that label for himself, he did not shy away from other men being close to him or even flirting with him. The only conclusion Tony had been able to draw from that, at the time, had been that he at least might have a chance to not end up beaten to a pulp for crushing on a straight man should said straight man ever find out about his feelings for him.    
  
Adam had sometimes even flirted back, at least that had been one of the few things Tony had almost been certain of, carefully observing Adam while he was teasing him and altogether being confusing, attractive and so very much himself. Time had not changed his appearance that drastically, had maybe even done him a favour -and he still was all that combined: Witty, passionate and just himself, all the things Tony was not able to describe.  
It did not need more than just remembering how he had acted years ago, and Tony knew he would just look for an excuse to fall once more. Probably already had. It was too easy, really.    
  
He had loved Adam once, had been willing to love him but the constant heartbreak had eventually become too much to bear. There was no one to blame but himself. Adam was not at fault, Tony's feelings were his own responsibility. There had been a twisted mixture of relief and sadness once Adam left. In the following years, Tony had heard way too many rumours about Adam's whereabouts. Some claimed he had vanished for good, the more exaggerated ones went as far as claiming he had bitten the dust.

 

Stubbornly Tony had told himself back then that he did not care, not anymore. He ignored the barely opened packet of cigarettes he had found in an old shoebox in one of his drawers. The one he had never actually managed to throw away. Unwilling to think about the reason why. They were just one of the last remaining remnants of Adam crashing at his place whenever he had needed some time away from the rest of the world. When everything threatened to become too much all at once, when he had just needed another person to be there and listen. Back then, when Tony had finally grabbed the packet and went outside with a lighter in his hand he had simply needed the smoke's familiar burn in his throat or rather the familiar scent surrounding him, its taste lingering on his tongue. He had never been a smoker, coughed once he took a puff. Adam would have grinned or even laughed at that. The cigarette ended up being stubbed out, buried in one of his flower pots. It would be so much easier if one could just bury their past in a similiar manner.   
  
Cigarette smoke. It had been one of _his_ familiar scents back then, when he did not smell like a constant mixture of everything he, rather they, cooked and created in the kitchen Adam actually used to smell like the smoke of his favourite brand of cigarettes. Even though he had always promised to quit smoking altogether, and under all these layers he had simply smelt like himself.  
  
Not that Tony did himself a favour when thinking about all of this, he could still count Adam's favourite habits on the fingers of one hand, at least the ones he had favoured all these years ago.  He was a stranger now, even more than back then.  
  
Smoking, ranting and standing in the kitchen until his fingers literally bled, that were the habits he seemed to hold onto even now. Cooking, ranting and fags.  
 

It had been a low blow when one of the words had been used against him in front of the entire kitchen staff. In a way it had become Tony's secret, just like the shoebox, it had always been hidden away from prying eyes. He had never hidden the way he felt in general, had dated several people, men he had loved in a way and men he had no actual no less emotional connection to. Tony had never been one to make relationships all too public, all the same was not one to hide them either.

Not anymore. Tall, dark and handsome, somehow that absolute cliché had become his type. His latest ex had recently gotten married, according to his social media, and Tony had been genuinely  happy for him and his now-husband even though the memories of their break-up still lingered in the back of his mind. Words and accusations thrown at him about not being over a former lover, partner.  
  
It had been years. Tony had been in love with the man and yet had accepted the end of their relationship, deep down knowing that every single word had been true.  
  
He was still unable to start anew, to give up on this nagging hope that maybe, maybe there might be a slight chance with the man of his dreams. He was not flawless, not the perfect Prince Charming, which scared Tony even more. Time and time again, he had seen every aspect, all the good and bad sides of his personality and yet he had still wanted Adam. Wanted to be with him, to just be wanted in return. He remembered the most shameful little moments and the best. While some memories were neither good nor bad, they just were there, a part of him.  Sometimes they were soothing, sometimes they ripped his heart to shreds and left him confused, longing for a past long gone, for spoken words fearfully left unsaid, for the simple knowledge of what might have been.

  
He remembered driving Adam home, a thankful smile, being asked not to leave in a faint tone, and actually deciding to stay all while knowing it would not end well if he allowed himself these moments. Even now he remembered Adam running around his flat. more or less dressed in barely more than a towel wrapped around his hips, and even cuddling up to him when Adam had been too strung-out to care about being straight when he fell asleep next to Tony in either one of their beds.  
Tony had tried to stay away, both mentally and physically. He could almost still feel long fingers wrapped around his, tracing the lines of his body, the curve of his hips, roaming over his body, in equal measure  exhausted and wide awake - as if being this close had been the most natural thing, as if in these rare moments alone Adam had been drawn to him as well.  
  
Now Tony was not even sure if that actually was a memory or a vivid image of his desires, a made-up memory. Just like the moment when he had eventually tasted the lips he had a long time ago dreamt about. It had been a bittersweet taste.  
  
They had changed, certainly all these little things were meant to be forgotten either way, real or not, and thus they would not be a part of their relationship. Not anymore. If you could even call them friends while barely getting to know one another again, and once having known the other slightly more.

 

He had said it time and time again, if you worked hard enough for it everything was possible.

 

Tony knew that not everything was possible. It would be self-destructive should he ignore every sign that whatever he may have felt once would never be reciprocated in the way Tony would like it to.  
  
Life was not a rom-com in which the lead characters would against all odds eventually end up together. It was not realistic to live happily ever after with the first person you were interested in. Some people may be lucky enough but Tony certainly was not one of them. Not that Adam was the actual first one but he was the one Tony had never fully gotten over. Not then, not now. His life was not a movie, never would be. If it were, it would also mean that Tony would have to somehow end up as a leading role in Adam's life, perhaps someday as a friend but nothing more than that.

 

Tony should just get Adam out of his system, once and for all. This pining and silent wishing just to fall out of love already, while still hoping for more had become unhealthy a long time ago. There was just one problem, one of many, however, one of the worst: Tony had no idea how to stop.

 

Maybe, just maybe it was his turn to disappear for a while.  
  
This time there would be no one left behind, no one with a broken heart desperately hoping for him to come back. His crush was creepy, according to his own judgement, even more so because Adam was happy for once. It was time to give up his dreams and hopes of a shared future and to find another hope: to maybe find this kind of happiness as well. With another person. They could not even become friends as long as he still haboured romantic feelings towards Adam.  
  
Now it was time to eventually let go after having been burnt one too many times.  
It was time to start anew as well. With or without Adam in his life.      

**Author's Note:**

> I have the feeling these two actually do have some kind of shared history together but ended whatever it was between them, one got over it and the other not so much. I usually hate this trope, the sad gay crushing on the bad-boyish straight guy, but it's very therapeutic to write if you want to get over a crush yourself (at least in my case ^^'). -I do hope you liked reading this little story of mine. :)


End file.
